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Aviation articles by Garth Wallace
13/ Are you talking to me?
I’d like to set the record
straight on aging aviators and their ears.
I’ve been told that my hearing is getting bad. Hearing aids were mentioned.
I don’t need them. I hear fine thank you, but my processing is slower. I don’t
listen, understand or respond as fast as younger pilots.
It’s wonderful how the body compensates. Seasoned fliers grow experienced
ears. We easily process useful sounds like the comforting purr of aircraft
engines; the satisfying snap/swoosh of refreshments being opened at altitude;
and the tire chirps that signal we have landed.
At the same time, our minds automatically ignore unimportant noises. These
include moans from co-pilots during crosswind landings; radio instructions from
air traffic controllers who discover we’re flying where we shouldn’t be;
airport managers yelling that we can’t park there after we have shut down; and
comments by in-laws.
Our lack of response to insignificant noises is often mistaken for hearing
impairment. It’s not. It’s our selective listening. As a public service, I
offer the following four steps to successful verbal communications with
seemingly deaf, high-time pilots:
Step #1: Get the older pilot’s attention,
Step #2: Be someone the aging aviator wants to hear from,
Step #3: Don’t mumble, whimper, snivel, whine, carry on or yell,
Step #4: Know when to stop talking.
1/ Get the old pilot’s attention
It looks like seasoned fliers are sleeping when
they fly along with their eyes closed, their heads bobbing on their shoulders,
their bodies slumped over and their mouths open. They’re not. Honest. They’re
listening, but not to you.
To get an old pilot’s attention, you need to say something response worthy.
Try:
"Do you smell smoke?"
"Conflicting traffic twelve o’clock!"
"Is that fuel leaking on my side?"
"What’s this for?"
"I think I’m going to be sick."
"Nice landing, captain."
"Is that a Ramp Enforcement van?"
You’ll know you’ve said the wrong thing when old
pilots answer any of the following with, "Yes."
"Is this your first flight? Ha, ha!"
"Yes."
"Are we there yet?"
"Yes."
"Have you crashed before?"
"Yes."
"Are you asleep?"
"Yes."
"Did I ever tell you about?"
"Yes."
2/ Be someone the aging aviator wants to
hear from
The selective listening of old pilots filters out
people who are annoying. If you want an aging aviator to listen, be someone
relevant. Such as:
- A kid who wants to vacuum, wash and wax aircraft in exchange for a first
flight.
- The owner of a turbine-powered homebuilt who lost his licence and needs a
pilot to fly all expenses paid in exchange for unlimited free use of the
aircraft.
- Ramp crew selling fuel for under a dollar a litre.
- An aircraft maintenance engineer who wants you to help inspect your aircraft.
- A flight briefer who forecasts clear skies, 100
miles visibility, cool air and a 20-knot tailwind, both ways.
- An air traffic controller asking the old pilot to
keep it in tight to be Number One for landing.
3/ Don’t mumble, whimper, snivel, whine,
carry on or yell
If teenagers think old pilots can’t hear, what’s
with the volume at rock concerts? Why can I hear sound coming from a youngster’s
headset in a noisy airliner? Why does my chest vibrate to the noise of their car
radios from a block away?
Teenagers talk with their mouths closed, looking at their toe rings and they don’t
speak Canadian. I can’t understand what they say so I can’t respond.
4/ Know when to stop talking
The lack of responses from senior airmen are often
caused by talking impairment on the part of the speakers. There are people in
this world who talk and listen; who talk and then wait to talk; who talk and
talk (in-laws); and who listen and grunt. Old pilots fall into the last group.
If you want more than a grunt from old pilots, be in the first category.
Here are two examples to illustrate how this four-step
process works:
1/ A senior recreation pilot is flying along in a Piper Cub with a friend. Smoke
begins to billow out of the left side of the engine cowling. The engine is
running but the pilot doesn’t know for how long. He can’t see where he’s
going. He sideslips the Cub to the right and looks for a spot to land.
His friend leans forward from the back seat, holds up a cigarette and says
"Do you have a light?"
The passenger has failed to follow the four steps to successful verbal
communications with seemingly deaf, high-time pilots. He is not someone the
pilot wants to hear from at this time. Holding up a cigarette will not get his
attention.
The passenger would have been more successful if he had held up the fire
extinguisher, or better yet, two parachutes.
2/ I’m watching the movie "The Memphis Belle"
at home. My wife yells from the next room, "Did you take out the
garbage?"
She was not someone I wanted to hear from at the time. Her question did not get
my attention. Like any old pilot, I was focused on the task at hand. I was
watching and listening to a landmark aviation movie. The last time I had seen my
wife had been two hours earlier when we had supper together. Never mind the
garbage. The likelihood of me remembering that I was married was remote.
I was flying the Memphis Belle from my TV chair. I was weaving the crippled B-17
to avoid the flack and twisting the big bomber to give my gunners a shot at the
pursuing ME 109s. Never mind the garbage. I was fighting World War II!
For me to hear my wife, she would have to run into the TV room screaming
something like, "The kitchen garbage is on fire!"
That would have grabbed my attention and solicited a response.
"The extinguisher is under the sink," I would have replied.
Old pilot hearing test
Try this test if you still think aging aviators
are hard of hearing.
Take an old pilot to an air show, blindfold him and ask him to identify the
performing aircraft by sound. You’ll have to pay the senior airman’s
admission to the show because old pilots are paying impaired. Take him to the
hospitality tent and bet him a drink per aircraft that he can’t identify each
one by sound.
A seasoned flier will know each aircraft. Young pilots should buy a show program
so they’ll know he’s right.
Transport Canada understands
The TC aviation medical standards recognize the
special listening capabilities of older pilots.
The Category 3 Medical Certificate
This is issued for:
Private Pilot Licence – airplanes, helicopters
Pilot Permit – gyroplanes
Pilot Licence – balloons
Flight Instructor Rating – glider, ultralight airplanes
The requirements of this category state:
"3.29 The applicant shall be free from any hearing defect which could
interfere with the safe performance of the applicants duties in exercising the
privileges of the licence."
What could interfere with safe flying more than a pilot distracted by
unimportant noise? So the biggest hearing defect is indiscriminant listening.
"3.31 At each examination, the applicant shall
demonstrate, in a quiet room, the ability to hear a soft-whispered voice in each
ear at a distance of two metres (six feet) from the Aviation Medical Examiner
and an average conversational voice with both ears at three metres (nine feet)
with the back turned to the Aviation Medical Examiner."
I don’t know how the above is related to a cockpit environment but it is a
cheap and quick way to measure hearing. This test would be easy if the
whispering medical examiner was young and sexy. I’ve never met one who is but
I always pass this test. My medical examiner is an ex-airforce surgeon. His
whispers can be heard on the other side of the waiting room.
The Category 4 Medical Certificate
This is issued for:
Pilot Permit Recreational – airplanes
Pilot Permit Ultralight – airplanes
Pilot Licence – glider
"4.26 An applicant shall not suffer from any
condition of the ears (nose or throat) which is likely to interfere with the
safe operation of an aircraft."
A hearing test is not required.
Old pilots like those kinds of standards. You can be deaf, dumb and happy as
long as it doesn’t interfere with the safe operation of an aircraft.
Old pilot favourites
High-time fliers didn’t need to hear in the old
days. Open cockpits and round engines took care of that.
In open cockpit airplanes, flying instructors barked at students through Gosport
Tubes. These were one-way devices. Instructors spoke into funnels attached to
rubber tubing that was connected to the students’ helmets. There was no tube
going the other way.
I flew a deHavilland Beaver on floats. It could carry a six-member rock band
complete with instruments and sound equipment. The band could have played during
the flight and I wouldn’t have heard it. I was listening to the music of the
Pratt & Whitney.
Today’s pilots fly quieter airplanes and wear headsets. What a great idea! Now
I can hear the engine while turning down the volume on the intercom so I don’t
have to listen to passengers.
My sister said that she is going to stop phoning me because I never have much to
say. She is going to send emails instead. If it’s not one thing, it’s
another. Now I’ll have to get my eyes checked.
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