Aviation articles by Garth Wallace

The public expects pilots to have thinning, greying hair, a well-traveled face and a kindly amount of spare tire. It’s also acceptable for old aviators to move slowly and be somewhat unresponsive.
I offer the following tips on maximizing the respect to be gained by being an old pilot.

TELL THEM
Do young people mimic your slow speech when you first meet them? Do they talk down as if you’re over-medicated and on a weekend pass? Then tell them you’re a pilot.
There are two ways to do this: the right way and the wrong way.
You could say, "Gee, I betcha didn’t know I are a pilot."
That’s the wrong way. They will nod knowingly and leave.
Instead, say, "That reminds me of the time I was flying overloaded on one engine in the dark with nowhere to land but on water." This is delivered in a low, raspy voice.
The youngsters will exclaim, "Wow, are you a pilot?"
You are not lying. You’re just describing the time you were sneaking back home in the Cub on floats with a moose quarter after sunset.

DON’T TELL THEM
Not saying anything works too. If you look old and stay quiet, people might think you’re a well-seasoned pilot reflecting on your vast experiences. That’s better than opening your mouth and proving that you’re just another elderly degenerate trying to remember something.
The "appear sage and keep quiet trick" also covers for poor eyesight and bad hearing.
A younger pilot says, "Do you see that?"
Please don’t lean forward, squint and reply. "No, what, where?" That’s a dead give-away to your degraded eyesight and other things. Instead, don’t react or respond. He’ll think his observation is too trivial to divert your attention from something important, such as remembering the date or his name.
This is not a good idea if the youngster is a copilot pointing out conflicting traffic.

HOW’S YOUR HEARING?
Has hours of sitting behind and between noisy engines deadened your ears? It has mine. The buzz of loud engines remains clear but I hear it even when I’m not in an airplane. It drowns out most other sounds so when I see someone’s lips move and they’re pointed at me, I smile and nod. This gains more respect than cupping a hand behind an ear and yelling, "Eh? What did you say sonny?"
My voice has changed too but that’s a good thing. It’s now airline pilot low and sexy from years of yelling over engine noise. Women love it, until they see who’s speaking. Sometimes respect is fleeting.

TRY THIS
Old age can bring pilots respect at the doctor’s office.
Try this. Book your next pilot medical for mid-afternoon. By then the waiting room is filled with ailing old people and wailing kids. The doctor is tired. He has been dragging his butt from room to room, listening to tales of woe and poking around in festering diseases. Stand near the reception area and smile. He’ll spot you, check his schedule and speak to the nurse.
When I do this, my name is often the next one called. It makes sense. I’m the only patient who is there to adamantly declare that I’m in perfect health.
"So, you’re here for another pilot medical?" the doc says to me, looking at the information filled in by the nurse.
"Yes, sir," I answer brightly.
"Any problems?"
"No, sir! Never felt better in my life!"
"I see you’ve gained a little weight, again."
"It’s from too many breakfast flights and air rallies."
"Oh, where have you been lately?"
The next five minutes is spent talking about flying.
"Well, see if you can lose a few pounds before your next medical."
"Yes, sir!"
He smiles and signs the application. I smile and leave.

AUTHORITY
Old age makes flying into the United States easier. American border guards are looking for the young and the twitchy, not the old and the wrinkled. They know when you’ve struggled to this age, you’re not about to throw it away on a suicide mission. They also know that questioning you would be a waste of time. You can’t hear and you have trouble remembering. Besides, a few days in jail with regular, free meals and laundry service would be a welcome change.
Canada customs agents look at my Lawrence Welk T-shirt and ask if I have any diapers to declare.
"Not this trip," I answer.
"Have a nice day," they say.

ANTIQUES AND ULTRALIGHTS
Youngsters might think that aviation is leaving us old pilots behind. They say that the growing complexities of aircraft, avionics, airspace and air regulations are difficult for us to follow. They might be right, if we tried to follow them.
If you want to maintain any sense of old pilot dignity, leave the new stuff to the young aviators, the ones who can’t fly unless they have multiple electronic aids reading checklists to them, making their coffee and wiping their bums.
Stick to flying fabric Pipers, Champs, Taylorcraft and the like. I know it’s hard to shell out $45,000 for the same type of airplane that you learned to fly in for $12 per hour, dual. Antique aircraft have become expensive. It’s because they’re popular with old pilots and there are a lot of us. It’s no wonder. They fly slowly, are difficult to pick up on radar, don’t need airports and are never equipped with Garmin 1000s.
Ultralights are popular for the same reasons. So are floatplanes and the homebuilt knockoffs of the old fabric airplanes.
One of the difficulties for old pilots is taking checkrides with local instructors. It can be humiliating to be tested by a baby-faced pilot who needs a week to grow a five o’clock shadow.
The next time you’re in this situation and you botch a manoeuver, get the jump on the kid. Before he says anything, yell, "That’s the worst demonstration I’ve ever seen! If you’re going to show me something, you’ll have to do better than that!"
Good luck. If you’ve come this far, you’ve earned all of the respect you can get.