Aviation articles by Garth Wallace

Hey there, aging pilot. When was the last time you stayed awake to watch the Tonight Show? Was the host Johnny Carson or Jack Paar?
Are you sleeping more? Most of us are. How about when you’re in the pilot seat?
You know you’re old when your bladder outlasts your state of consciousness. Don’t feel badly. I’ve caught myself napping on the downwind while teaching circuits.
If this is you, here are some suggestions for staying awake in the air. A few might sound a tad drastic but hey, you do what you have to do.

BUY A CUB
The pilot seat in the Piper Cub and its derivatives is a plywood torture device thinly disguised with a plastic cover. Before you have a chance to doze off flying one of these airplanes, your bum goes to sleep. The numbness slowly creeps down your legs and up your spine. You stay awake because you are terrified that it will go all the way and be permanent. You try to move around but Cubs are not cabin class airplanes. As the lack of feeling seeps into your neck, you either find an airport or the engine runs out of gas. Either way, you land.
Now you are wide-awake but you can’t move. You are locked into a body that is clinically dead from the neck down. Someone has to help you out. You will recover, about the time you have to get back in.
How do I know? I spent many summers towing advertising banners around Niagara Falls, three hours at a time.

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?
I have never fallen asleep flying below 500 feet. Few things are more invigorating than dodging cell towers, grain elevators and mountains while map reading to avoid built-up areas, airports and restricted zones.
Low flying also avoids problems such as oxygen deprivation and nosebleeds. It relieves much of the decision making during engine failures and it’s the best place to be when the airplane catches fire.
The detail to be seen at low altitudes is enough to keep a pilot awake. I like following highways and reading personalized licence plates.

COVER THE WINDSHIELD
It worked for Charles Lindbergh, didn’t it? He flew non-stop and awake for more than 33 hours from New York to Paris. His secret was no windshield. He was never quite sure of where he was, where he was going or what was coming. It’s an exciting way to fly.
Without forward visibility, you’ll stay awake just trying to stay right side up.

TOSS THE AVIONICS
Nothing will turn a pilot into Rip van Winkel faster than a GPS coupled to an autopilot. If you’re falling asleep, toss them overboard. Watching your $10,000 investment drop to oblivion will jerk you to consciousness. Hand flying the airplane while searching for a map will keep you there.

ENGINE FAILURE
I’m not advocating poor maintenance or adding water to your gas but having an engine misfire or quit in flight will wake up any pilot. It works best in single-engine airplanes, even better at night.
I once flew as co-pilot on a seven-hour, night, cargo charter in a Piper Aztec. I had been instructing all day. There was little radio traffic, the autopilot was flying the airplane and the captain didn’t speak English.
I fell asleep around hour number four. The pilot let me snooze for 30 minutes and then he cut both throttles. My own screaming woke me up. When I recovered, I shook my fist at the captain. He smiled and went to sleep, which was why he wanted me awake.

DON'T FLY ALONE
Passengers hate it when their pilot falls asleep. First-time fliers are the quickest to shake you awake but this doesn’t work with children or nagging relatives.
Kids have brains that operate on the same high frequencies as aircraft engine rpms. The matching resonance lulls them to sleep much faster than the pilot.
A nagging mother-in-law will not keep you awake either. Her incessant complaining will become white noise just like airplane engines. Sleeping pilots will only wake up if their mother-in-law stops yakking. I’ve never had that happen.
If no one will fly with you then maybe snoozing is not your biggest problem in an airplane.

SING ALONG
Fly with a CD or MP3 player and sing along. Pick your artists carefully. I can’t sleep when I’m harmonizing with Janice Joplin, Grace Slick, Sly or Richie Havens. I can’t stay awake listening to Pat Boone, Perry Como, the Lennon Sisters or Roger Whittaker.

CAFFEINE
Drinking coffee, tea and cola is guaranteed to keep you awake in the air. An extra large cappuccino followed by a giant cola before takeoff and a thermos of tea in flight will have your bladder screaming in no time. The pain will leave you sleepless in the saddle. So will the gymnastics required using a pilot relief bottle, especially when it overfills.

CHUCK TEDDY
Pilots who fly with a Teddy, you know, the ones with the cute little leather helmet and goggles, are asking to doze off. Teddy belongs in the bedroom with all other reminders of sleep. Cushions, blankets and booties hanging from the compass must go too. If you need a booster seat, use plywood. You’ll stay awake a lot longer.

BUILD YOUR OWN
No one fell asleep flying his or her own homebuilt. When you’re familiar with the blood, sweat and tears that went into making your own airplane you’ll be wide-awake every minute that you are in the air.
This is a good thing. You built it to fly it and that’s hard to do in your sleep.