Aviation articles by Garth Wallace

Are you a recreational pilot, I mean a real, genuine, sky gazing, fly-for-fun-and-pay-for-it aviator? If there is any doubt, here is a handy guide. If at least half of the following identifiers describe you, count yourself as a certified wing nut.

You are a real recreational pilot if:
You live near an airport because you got a good deal on the house. The stupid owner thought airplanes made noise and not music.
You have a bumper sticker on your car with a picture of the Avro Arrow and the caption, "Diefenbaker's Folly".
You've drunk so much airport coffee, the stuff served at Starbucks tastes weak.
You hear an aircraft overhead, you look up and identify it, whether you know what it is or not.
You believe dreams are more important than practical sense.
You love golf courses for their potential as off-airport landing sites.
You play golf but only in the rain when the fairways are not crowded with players or airplanes. You save the good weather for flying.
You have so many aviation subscriptions that Publishers Clearing House has made you an honourary member.
You are the only one in the doctor's waiting room who isn't sick.
You are hard-of-hearing and proud of it.
You lock yourself in the bathroom to read COPA Flight.
As an infant, you made airplane sounds for two years before you talked.
Your first words were "de Havilland", "Chipmunk" and "Lomcivak".
By six years old you knew it was aerodynamically impossible for Superman to fly, because you had tried it.
In class, you always grabbed a window seat.
As a youngster you memorized the performance statistics for every airliner, fighter and general aviation aircraft before you knew the words to "O Canada".
"High Flight" is the only poem that you would read again.
You remember your first solo flight better than your first date.
Your first solo flight came before your first date.
You were married during the week so you wouldn't miss flying on the weekend.
Your wedding march was "Up in the Air Junior Birdmen".
Your wedding cake had wings.
Your children are named de Havilland, Chipmunk and Lomcivak.
You fed them Pabulum with an airplane spoon.
Your children think earphones are for quiet.
You plan your holidays around visits to aviation events and air museums.
You have taped every "Wings Over Canada" TV show.
Your favourite movies are "Memphis Belle", "Airplane" and "Fly Away Home".
You stand to attention when you hear the song "I Can Fly".
Your favourite cookies are Arrowroots.
Your favourite soda pop is 7Up.
Your favourite smell is 100 octane fuel.
Your favourite airplane is all of them.
Your computer automatically boots up to the radar weather.
For meetings at work, you always grab a window seat.
You have a pen shaped like an airplane.
You shop for clothes that are fire resistant.
You are the only one on the escalator whose ears don't pop.
You glide power off when inbound to your base airport so you can hear your cell phone while ordering a pizza to pick up on the drive home.
You are constantly streamlining your airplane to try and keep up to the guys on your field who fly RVs (pick a number).
You are constantly streamlining your RV (pick a number) to stay ahead of the other guys on the field.
Your hangar is outfitted as your home away from home.
You look through the window of the jetway when boarding an airliner to see if either pilot in the cockpit is the former linecrew who pumped jet fuel into your ultralight.
The biggest waste to you is an empty seat on an airplane flying to Oshkosh, Wisconsin the last week in July.
You run your airplane on fuel drained from your spouse's car, your lawnmower, boat and chainsaw.
You think "Cockpit Resource Management" is finding a place for baggage in an ultralight.
If someone asks about your scariest moment in aviation, you say, "The time I was ramp checked by Transport Canada."
To you, Heaven is flying in a clear blue sky with tailwinds from every direction.
Hell is having to go to work on clear blue days when tailwinds are blowing from every direction.
Your necessities of life include, flying, landing, breathing, ragging the government and spending time with friends.
When anyone suggests that you're rich, you reply, "Up there, I'm the richest person in the world."